why do i always feel like i/my life is falling apart,
like everything i do, every decision i make,
every word i speak, is wrong...?
maybe i'm over analyzing and the amount of
meds i took to knock me out so i can get away
from the pain for a while are making me question
too much.

 life is crushing me

i just haven't been myself lately.
it's difficult to explain but more often than not,
i don't recognize myself...
and i don't like what i see.
i'm not sure if it's all the meds making matters worse
or what.
i just don't feel like if i met myself that i'd like myself.
i'm also more negative than i have ever been.
i really don't like my life at all, where i live, how i look...
and on and on...

i wish i could just disappear.

i can't figure out what it is that i need
but i know i'm missing something
maybe it's more meds to quiet
the noise in my head or to drown
my emotions and extinguish my anger
one thing i miss dearly and cannot have
and was/is poisonous
perhaps that is what i miss, the poison
and i am in withdrawl

wandering alone in the tear garden
i can hear them
and see them
these demons don't scare me
i don't have to fight theses ones
it's mine that are the problem

twisted thoughts
doubled over in pain
maybe it's lack of sleep
or food
or...
something else
had it for a moment
and now
i watch it all fade away

the fighting never ends
always seems i am fighting something
it's tiring

i'm not right in the head
the voices make too much noise
for me to concentrate on anything or to sleep
i come crashing down
and its finally quiet
dead quiet
and i feel nothing at all

it's as though all i love has been riped from me
i rarely laugh or smile
all my creativity has dried up
haven't sewn, drawn or painted in so long
i sit and stare at the same walls for hours
i think in vicious circles
i sleep for more than 14 hours a day
my meds are doing nothing for me
not even turning me into a zombie
i see no one
i go nowhere
i sit here alone
and i wait
i wait for the day i wake up and i wont remember
any of this

 i'll know soon enough if i can take my new meds
had to have blood work done first
they are supposed to stop my thoughts
i hope they work and that they stop all of them
i'll sacrifice the happy thoughts to make the bad ones 
stop
i can't take the torture anymore
anxious to get home where the sharp things are kept...

i'm being consumed by
depression
i can't fight anymore
it's all been drained out
of me
i give up
it's over
i've lost the battle
i'm just going through the
motions of 'living' now
hands reaching out to me
telling me to hang on
i don't have the strength to
reach back
i don't even know if i wish
i had the strength
i don't think i do...

i'm going to get stronger meds
ones that wont let me feel anything
ones that will turn me into a zombie
i think i need that for a while

why do i torture myself so?
is it because all i'm comfortable with,
all i'm used to is feeling hurt?
i do things that i know will make myself cry,
make myself feel so alone, devastated...
i don't understand myself.

could it be that one person did this to me
made me think i was crazy
made me twitch and convulse
spin round and round
made me feel love like never before
and made me hurt so deeply
maybe all the good times were imagined
or i built them up
like sand castles in the sky
hopes and dreams dashed
too many pieces to pick up
never again
regrets are now fading
love is faltering
scars are slowly disappearing
and memories ... oh the memories
what to do with those
i have no idea which ones are true
i will miss the idea of him
but him...
i didn't even know him
it could have been all made up
i don't know if he really loved me
maybe i made that up too

high high high
on medication
i was a cloud floating
calm
then a funeral
his...
and i screamed and screamed
everything is fuzzy and shaking
nothing makes sense
voices all muddled, mangled
i can't understand them
more meds
more
maybe i'll float away

i cry and cry and cry
standing on a bridge looking over the edge
all i had to do was fall

it just keeps getting darker
i keep sinking
spiraling down
screaming

like a moth to a flame...

my demons are closing in
gnawing at me
tugging me in all directions
i spin and cant tell up from down
to focus i have to count
to count i have to focus
it doesn't help
falling
falling
the wind rushes past
it screams in my ears
and whispers horrible things
that hurt me
make it stop
i want this to stop