Delicate Terror

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 02:28:39 GMT

why do i always feel like i/my life is falling apart,
like everything i do, every decision i make,
every word i speak, is wrong...?
maybe i'm over analyzing and the amount of
meds i took to knock me out so i can get away
from the pain for a while are making me question
too much.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:52:49 GMT

life is crushing me

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:24:10 GMT

i just haven't been myself lately.
it's difficult to explain but more often than not,
i don't recognize myself...
and i don't like what i see.
i'm not sure if it's all the meds making matters worse
or what.
i just don't feel like if i met myself that i'd like myself.
i'm also more negative than i have ever been.
i really don't like my life at all, where i live, how i look...
and on and on...

i wish i could just disappear.

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 23:44:27 GMT

i can't figure out what it is that i need
but i know i'm missing something
maybe it's more meds to quiet
the noise in my head or to drown
my emotions and extinguish my anger
one thing i miss dearly and cannot have
and was/is poisonous
perhaps that is what i miss, the poison
and i am in withdrawl

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 01:43:06 GMT

wandering alone in the tear garden
i can hear them
and see them
these demons don't scare me
i don't have to fight theses ones
it's mine that are the problem

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 20:22:46 GMT

all is lost...

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 11:58:55 GMT

twisted thoughts
doubled over in pain
maybe it's lack of sleep
or food
or...
something else
had it for a moment
and now
i watch it all fade away

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 03:56:52 GMT

the fighting never ends
always seems i am fighting something
it's tiring

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 01:07:11 GMT

i'm not right in the head
the voices make too much noise
for me to concentrate on anything or to sleep
i come crashing down
and its finally quiet
dead quiet
and i feel nothing at all

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:35:20 GMT

it's as though all i love has been riped from me
i rarely laugh or smile
all my creativity has dried up
haven't sewn, drawn or painted in so long
i sit and stare at the same walls for hours
i think in vicious circles
i sleep for more than 14 hours a day
my meds are doing nothing for me
not even turning me into a zombie
i see no one
i go nowhere
i sit here alone
and i wait
i wait for the day i wake up and i wont remember
any of this

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 21:12:17 GMT

i'll know soon enough if i can take my new meds
had to have blood work done first
they are supposed to stop my thoughts
i hope they work and that they stop all of them
i'll sacrifice the happy thoughts to make the bad ones
stop
i can't take the torture anymore
anxious to get home where the sharp things are kept...

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 16:14:41 GMT

i'm being consumed by
depression
i can't fight anymore
it's all been drained out
of me
i give up
it's over
i've lost the battle
i'm just going through the
motions of 'living' now
hands reaching out to me
telling me to hang on
i don't have the strength to
reach back
i don't even know if i wish
i had the strength
i don't think i do...

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 22:28:31 GMT

i'm going to get stronger meds
ones that wont let me feel anything
ones that will turn me into a zombie
i think i need that for a while

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 15:59:42 GMT

why do i torture myself so?
is it because all i'm comfortable with,
all i'm used to is feeling hurt?
i do things that i know will make myself cry,
make myself feel so alone, devastated...
i don't understand myself.

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 22:51:19 GMT

could it be that one person did this to me
made me think i was crazy
made me twitch and convulse
spin round and round
made me feel love like never before
and made me hurt so deeply
maybe all the good times were imagined
or i built them up
like sand castles in the sky
hopes and dreams dashed
too many pieces to pick up
never again
regrets are now fading
love is faltering
scars are slowly disappearing
and memories ... oh the memories
what to do with those
i have no idea which ones are true
i will miss the idea of him
but him...
i didn't even know him
it could have been all made up
i don't know if he really loved me
maybe i made that up too

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 01:46:00 GMT

high high high
on medication
i was a cloud floating
calm
then a funeral
his...
and i screamed and screamed
everything is fuzzy and shaking
nothing makes sense
voices all muddled, mangled
i can't understand them
more meds
more
maybe i'll float away

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 17:23:11 GMT

i cry and cry and cry
standing on a bridge looking over the edge
all i had to do was fall

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 12:10:04 GMT

it just keeps getting darker
i keep sinking
spiraling down
screaming

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 01:04:45 GMT

like a moth to a flame...

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 00:14:33 GMT

my demons are closing in
gnawing at me
tugging me in all directions
i spin and cant tell up from down
to focus i have to count
to count i have to focus
it doesn't help
falling
falling
the wind rushes past
it screams in my ears
and whispers horrible things
that hurt me
make it stop
i want this to stop

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 17:35:47 GMT

i want to pour it all out of me
all the love
all the memories
the thoughts are driving me mad
i want the voices to stop
i want it all to stop
i want to forget the past 3 years
something of mine was stolen and i am
not sure if i will ever get it back
spiral downward
urge to cut and cut and cut...

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 15:19:35 GMT

i just keep on sinking...

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 21:00:27 GMT

dark thoughts as of late
suicide mostly
no, i won't kill myself
i can't
unfortunately i have things that tie me to this
god forsaken place
if i didn't
i'd be gone

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 17:20:47 GMT

i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead

if only...

i'm so bitter
i could place blame but what would be the point
it's not like i'll get any apologies
i suppose i am to blame as well...
people reach out to me and i recoil
i'm pushing everyone away
withdrawing deeper and deeper within myself
trapping myself in my own private hell
maybe it's because this is all i know and i'm
comfortable here
my voices make me crazy. all the screaming.
so much noise.
drugged up on medication to make them stop
i've become apathetic
there are moments where i break through and i laugh
or smile but all it takes is one bad thought and then it
snowballs from there and i spiral once again
self loathing
lifeless
alone

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 14:22:50 GMT

my heart is aching
nothing can replace the emptiness
that he once filled and kept at bay
i feel lost
the demons are closing in and
i have no more fight left in me